SERPENTS AND DOVES
One of the earliest biographers of Jesus, a writer called Matthew, records him telling his then small team of followers as he delegates a particularly challenging job to them:
“Be as wise as serpents and innocent as doves”.
Note that it’s not an either/or. It’s a both/and.
Be wise as serpents AND innocent as doves.
Or maybe that should be “Be astute, AND be kind”
Or even:
“Always give people opportunity to show their best selves. But don’t be stupid!”.
Sound advice, I have always thought, as one of a much larger group of followers two thousand years on. And particularly good advice when trying to deal with difficult relationships, challenging individuals, or complex negotiations.
It’s the AND that seems to be to be critical here. It’s the AND that is so hard to achieve.
Let’s look at the alternatives.
If I am all kindness it might be reciprocated. We might sort this out quickly and move on. That’s the best outcome, and always worth trying for.
But it might not be reciprocated. My show of kindness might be taken for softness. There will be those who take advantage of me. That’s where I need the wisdom to spot what’s going on, to toughen up, and to adapt my approach. Not to be stupid, in fact.
If, on the other hand, I am all worldly wisdom, toughness and suspicion, and that’s reciprocated (as it might well be), then I can make this whole thing a lot harder than it needs to be. More expensive in time and money, and inevitably more stressful. When a show of kindness on my part might just provide a breakthrough.
I work a lot with faith groups. You might think that they would be all kindness. Think again. Kindness can often be taken for softness in these settings. And “I’m right, you’re wrong” is common.
Breakthroughs often come with a switch in approach. A switch from kindness to toughness. Or a switch from toughness to kindness.
The trick, as all those with strong interpersonal skills know, is when to be tough, and when to be kind.
Humans being humans, it’s probably not surprising that the advice Jesus was giving out to his team two thousand years ago for navigating difficult relationships still holds true today.
“Be kind, AND be strong”
Easy to say, hard to do, but like all “hard to dos”, worth a try.
FANCY A SLIGHTLY LONGER READ?
Maybe try one or more of the books
