MESSAGE AND MESSENGER
“I don’t think you’re quite ready yet”
“You need to think more outside the box”
“Try working harder on your key stakeholder relationships”.
Three real and recent examples of feedback received by clients I know well, from their managers, and to which all three responded (I am being polite here):
“Rubbish”
And:
“They have no idea what they are talking about”
Hmmm…
In each case, after a good walk-and-talk, and over our coffee – both critical components of any good coaching session in my view – we gently unpack the feedback.
And what do I then hear?
In order:
"There are actually things I’d like to do in my current role before I move on”
“I’ve got too sucked into day-to-day stuff and taken my eye off the big picture”
“That stakeholder is just too difficult, so I guess I’ve simply ignored them”.
Aha…
So maybe the feedback wasn’t “rubbish” after all? Maybe the managers did know what they were talking about. And just maybe they even had your best interests at heart.
So why can this feedback be owned now, over a walk and a coffee with me, and not from those managers across a desk or in writing?
Fundamentally, I suggest, because these people know I am on their side. I want them to flourish. The relationship is clean.
And from their managers? Maybe it’s not so clear. Maybe there isn’t trust there. There could be money, promotion, or even employment at stake. The relationship is complex.
It can be tough to separate the message from the messenger.
Lessons for all of us here. Both feedback givers, and feedback receivers.
If we’re giving feedback, and want it to be heard, our motives need to around the growth and the flourishing of the other party, and not seen to be coming from some place of competition or vindictiveness. As messengers, we need to pay attention to how we deliver the message.
If we’re receiving feedback, however and by whomever it’s given, we should allow chance and time for it to percolate, and perhaps discuss it with someone we trust. We might need, somehow, to separate the message from the messenger who delivered it.
And if we’re supporting someone who’s had feedback? There’s a trap for us too. We need to avoid over-identifying with that person and effectively joining them in their cries of “rubbish”. They need us, of all people, to be honest with them for their own good.
That’s feedback then.
Tough to give well, tough to receive well, but critical to personal growth.
FANCY A SLIGHTLY LONGER READ?
Maybe try one or more of the books
